EVANESCENCE

AKDANG BUHAY Journal 1

by Canarias, Padilla, Gayatin, Bedolido, Templado

Kindly evaluate the literary submission on aspects of the essay discussed by Bricklebank, particularly on the deployment of fiction techniques. 

• Just like in fiction, Morales used pacing and structure to build tension, create suspense, or evoke a sense of resolution within her scenes. By varying paragraph structure (medium-length paragraph for description, and longer for explanation) and narrative pacing, she controls the rhythm and flow of the story to keep readers engaged and invested in the unfolding story. 

• Morales used dialogue to advance the scene and reveal character dynamics. Through them, she could convey thoughts, beliefs, and emotions more dynamically and engagingly (she even used vernacular language for emphasis and contextualization of the text) allowing readers to witness the complexities of their interaction and communication.

• Morales employed characterization to bring her experiences to the readers. While her essay is based on her experiences and reflections, she presented herself and other individuals within her narratives as dynamic characters. By fleshing out these characters with emotions, motivations, and personal journeys (plus knowing that these people are well-known in the country) she made her essay more intriguing to readers. 

• Morales skillfully weaves scenes from her experiences during her husband's defection and narratives surrounding his activities to subtly convey the themes underlying her title. The initial three challenges, or "mountains," stem from her husband's departure: grappling with insecurity from the government, navigating single parenthood, and striving to maintain sense in her life. These challenges are poignantly portrayed through personal scenes of her life in Davao City. The fourth mountain, however, symbolizes the broader challenges posed by men themselves, including the impact of Martial Law and her husband's actions. Morales' title encapsulates her journey of resilience and triumph as a woman navigating a patriarchal society. This metaphorical title invites readers to delve deeper into her narrative, offering both guidance and insight into her intentions.

• Morales narrates scenes that lead to one another, and it makes each scene equally important. It also makes the essay cohesive and effective in keeping the narrative’s momentum. However, some scenes contain too much information and details, which makes them overwhelming to read. 

• Morales' method of narration is clear in the sense that it separates the events that occurred in her husband's life, and the things that happened to her after her husband's public defection. Instead of mixing narratives and details in between, the author ensured to write one story before discussing the other, then she tried to synthesize both events in the later part of the essay. This technique allowed her to include a lot of details in the essay, especially in the part where she narrated what happened in her husband's life. It also allowed her to thoroughly discuss her journey as a single mother returning to her hometown in Davao. However, despite the thoroughness of the narration, because of the jam-packed details included, the author seemed to skip putting scenes in the narration. Some parts were purely telling, instead of showing. The dialogues included were not fully utilized and there was no room for pauses in the essay. 

• From the get-go, who Boy is or what the DAP or CAYA means should’ve all been contextualized. There are a lot of names mentioned in the beginning without enough context, which makes it hard for the readers to keep track. At the same time, there are a lot of details you need to go through. The essay tends to overload or dump a lot of information on the reader. It’s somewhat lacking in providing visuals and descriptions that serve a purpose in the essay. 

• It’s good that there is a lot of material and I think the details in describing Davao City, for example, relatively succeeded in showing the reader what the city looks like. However, the essay contains a lot of themes, people, and issues in such a small space which makes it difficult for the reader to digest. The essay also feels impersonal to some extent, like reading the news.

• Large-scale developments and issues in Davao City like “Land-grabbing,” “uncontrolled logging activities” and mining, for example, could be placed in another part or an entirely different section since these are equally heavy materials. It tends to just jump from one issue to another, which cannot really be condensed into a single paragraph. 

• Lines like“...reduced [my] family’s life to a few pieces of luggage” and “traumas come in a bundle” are nice lines that capture the focal points of the essay (trauma and problems within the family connected to the trauma and problems under the Marcos regime), however, they get obscured by the amount of information, people, issues, and scenes present in the essay. They are not really explored effectively either. 

• Needs to be more conscious of the descriptions used. For example, “Davao City was unlike the rapidly urbanized NCR” or “My energetic son Paul was unusually quiet” — the changes or absences of something would be more effective if shown instead of merely stated in establishing the absence of the father or the changes in their lives upon moving. For example, “I walked the gangplank” needs to carry or establish something. 

Based on the points raised above, please provide clear and specific points for revision that you would like the author to undertake, stating briefly the reasons why you are recommending these changes. 

1. Scenes - Consider choosing scenes that are essential to the narrative and cutting out parts that seem a little too long to get to the point because pacing is just as important in the essay. Through this, the essay could move forward smoothly without confusing the readers. 

2. Narration - While the scenes included were important in following the essay, some of them were too long and were merely stated and not even described. The author could break the long narration and remove unnecessary details by adding scenes on events that she would consider the most important ones. The organization of content in the narration is crucial to having a more structured approach, especially because the essay contains both historical and personal accounts of the Martial Law.

3. Pauses - Instead of stating all the details of the author's journey in discovering herself, pauses can be used to show the passing of time and to emphasize that she missed the growth of her children. 

4. Titles - While the title "Ascending the Fourth Mountain" carries a significant metaphorical weight, the essay unveils a narrative where the protagonist contends not with a series of distinct challenges, but with a singular, overarching obstacle: the pervasive influence of Martial Law. The initial depiction of three separate challenges or "mountains" can be seen as the derivative of this central struggle against patriarchal structures. Consequently, there appears to be redundancy in delineating these challenges as discrete entities when they ultimately stem from the same root cause. Furthermore, the four challenges Morales encountered during the Marcos era as a woman were ultimately resolved through introspection and the acceptance of the pain they inflicted. This resolution may not align precisely with the idea of distinct challenges implied by the title.

DECISION 
I recommend that the article be: 
[ ] published without revisions 
[ ] published with minor revisions
[✔] revised with substantial revisions and resubmitted for further evaluation

[ ] rejected