EVANESCENCE

Kindly evaluate the literary submission on aspects of the essay discussed by Bricklebank, particularly on the deployment of fiction techniques. 

1. The essay effectively uses scenes to depict key moments in the author's life that contribute to the reader's understanding of the author's journey. 

2. The narrative also provides a clear through-line, detailing the author's experiences and emotions during significant events. However, it could benefit from more varied pacing to prevent monotony. (It feels like reading an academic paper rather than a personal essay). There were a lot of parts wherein dialogues or quotations were being used, even though narration would have sufficed. This made the work harder to read and slower in pacing. 

3. The essay incorporates vivid imagery and description to evoke the atmosphere of Manila, Davao City, and her visits outside the country during different time periods. (and her subsequent encounters with the underground movement). However, some descriptions may be overly detailed, leading to information overload. Streamlining descriptions could improve clarity and focus. 

a. Clarity may be compromised at times due to the complexity of political events and relationships described. Simplifying certain passages and providing more context for unfamiliar terms could enhance reader comprehension. 

4. Mise-en-scene was also not used in the sense that instead of describing the place, the author only talked about its distance. 

a. The author transfers from one location to another but does not make use of this particular detail in the progression of the story. It felt like it was only put there without any particular consequence. 

5. The title of the essay provides insight into the themes explored, hinting at the disruptions and upheavals experienced by the author's family. 

6. The essay employs detailed storytelling to paint a comprehensive picture of the author's experiences, including her interactions with various individuals and organizations.

 

a. However, excessive use of acronyms and terms related to Philippine politics may be confusing for readers unfamiliar with the context. 

7. Essay was somewhat difficult to digest as so many things were going on. For a personal essay, the essay had too many accounts coming from other people. Most of the stories told were originally told to her and not something she experienced herself. The writer was always referencing someone else. 

a. Regarding the writer retelling stories told to her, the writer’s own experiences felt unimportant and brief because of the way they were written in short narrations without dialogue and proper scenes like how the writer retells her ex-husband’s life from the story of others. 

i. The author's personal presence is crucial in an essay, yet Morales' piece fails to embody her own presence. Despite narrating her husband's experiences, she falls short of expressing her own emotions or providing intimate insights. Instead, it reads more like a detached report devoid of her personal voice. 

b. The writer separates the scenes and information regarding Boy's and her life, then proceeds on discussing the connection between the two. The paragraphs are filled with information and details that are no longer necessary in the essay's flow. 

8. The author seems to be blurting out random details without minding the way of retelling or narrating. 

a. The direction or true intent of her piece remains unclear. While the content delves into weighty matters, it only scratches the surface. The genuine focus of her essay is elusive. Is it solely to recount her husband's experiences, relayed to her by another individual? Or does it delve into her own experiences living in and returning to Davao? The transition between these matters obscures the overall purpose of the essay. 

Based on the points raised above, please provide clear and specific points for revision that you would like the author to undertake, stating briefly the reasons why you are recommending these changes. 

1. If the writer would like to focus on writing about their ex-husband, it’s best if they would pick what part to turn into a dialogue and what should be a narration only. For example, the line “almost a year to the day he went UG” was unnecessary to be quoted and could’ve been just a narration. Readers would still believe that the person who said it was saying the truth because of the lines prior to this quotation or dialogue. 

2. The transferring locations should be utilized in setting the mood for the changes visible in their lives, indicating the different chapters and parts of their ventures separately and together as a family. For example, how does one tell “when you are in Moncada, you know you are near Pangasinan?” 

3. The author's voice should resonate with readers, and her presence should be felt throughout the essay. To enhance engagement, the author should enrich the narration by integrating her own perspective. Choose only the scenes that are necessary to drive the story forward. Be careful with the details and scenes to pick, especially if they don't connect to the direction pointed out. 

a. This could involve conveying her genuine emotions regarding her current circumstances and reflecting on her reaction upon discovering her husband's marriage to another woman.Writer could focus more on the people near her during these times like her children, Paul and Susan. 

b. Enhance Emotional Depth. The author needs to delve deeper into the emotional nuances of significant events, such as her husband's defection to the underground movement. By exploring the emotional responses and inner turmoil more thoroughly, readers can better empathize with her experiences and connect with the narrative on a deeper level. 

4. Strengthen Scene Selection. Select scenes that not only depict key moments in Morales’ life but also directly contribute to the central narrative arc. Given the gravity of the essay's content, it’s advisable to hone in on the specific subject that the author genuinely wishes to explore and delve deeper into it. This approach will allow readers to better understand the author's personal experiences and emotions. Consequently, it will establish a coherent thread of meaning, direction, and purpose within the piece. 

5. Diversify Pacing. Varying the pacing throughout the narrative to maintain reader interest. By injecting moments of faster or slower tempo, the narrative can avoid monotony and keep readers engaged. This can be achieved through strategic placement of shorter, more action-packed scenes alongside longer, reflective passages.

 

6. The essay could observe more creative ways of narrating the events. It can make use of images, details, and other styles of writing.

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DECISION 
I recommend that the article be: 
[ ] published without revisions 
[ ] published with minor revisions 
[✔️] revised with substantial revisions and resubmitted for further evaluation

[ ] rejected