EVANESCENCE

by Arguelles, Canete, Aznar, Villagonzalo

Kindly evaluate the literary submission on aspects of the essay discussed by Bricklebank, particularly on the deployment of fiction techniques.

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Scene:

• There’s a reflection on the children’s affliction then it transitions to the specific letters and interactions, and finally into the narrator’s own experiences. Each segment offers a different perspective or development within a scene, however, the transition is not smooth. It shifts abruptly from one event or thought to another without providing any clear transition. Like when it discusses Paul’s struggles with travel to Susan’s letters without any indication of how these topics are connected.

• This essay contains very few, if any, scenes. Even though the narration moves much more quickly than the scenes should or they are not “slow and really put individuals on stage,” there are still some parts that you can picture in your mind.

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Narration:

• The essay primarily tells rather than shows significant events and emotions, summarized through characters' letters rather than unfolding organically. This lack of dramatization flattens the impact, resulting in a monotonous tone devoid of varied narrative techniques. Without contrast or depth, it feels one-dimensional and less dynamic, with direct exposition like "Paul would have wanted a break out of the country" rather than depicting desires through actions or dialogue. The non-chronological order disrupts the narrative flow, with disjointed moments and independent details, making the sequence of events lack the necessary variety and organization.

Images:

• It lacks vivid imagery and sensory details, relying solely on dialogue and narration. For instance, phrases like "Susan was seemingly more adjusted to our new circumstances" and "We did not anymore talk about the events of New Year 1978" lack specificity and fail to engage the reader's senses, making the narrative straightforward and devoid of strong associative meanings.

Mise en scene

• It primarily focuses on the characters’ thoughts and then dialogue but with minimal attention given to the physical environment. There is a lack of descriptive details about the surroundings. It’s hard to visualize the scenes and the readers will find it a struggle to immerse themselves in the narrative. For instance, “Coming back to Davao, my children and I were happy to be together,” lacks specific details about the surroundings. It doesn't paint a clear picture of the scene or environment in which the characters are situated.

• There is no attention given to the placement of objects, the atmosphere of the settings, or any sensory details that could enrich the reader's understanding of the characters' experiences.

Dialogue

• It lacks real-time conversational dialogue between characters. While the letters offer insights into their perspectives and experiences, they don't foster interactive exchanges; rather, they serve as one-sided communications from the children to their mother.

• It does not seem like the dialogues are natural because it is not as economical. Aside from the attempt to make the dialogue appear “Filipino English,” it does not seem like actual people would say it in an actual conversation.

Pauses

• Because the essay was being weighed down by an overwhelming amount of details, the narrative had no time to pause. It feels as if the writer was afraid to slow down and in effect, the narrative suffers. Because the essay was so airtight and fast-paced, no scene was made more significant.

• The lack of necessary narrative pauses made the essay seem like a mere compilation of news clippings rather than a personal essay. Despite the mentions of the writer’s personal life, the writer did not dig deeper, making the privateness of the essay shallow.

Titles

• Aside from the geographical mention of the mountainous area, the writer failed to provide enough depth and immersion to make the title more directed to the writers with the theme it tries to embody.

• I don’t know if I just missed it or it was never really explained enough. Why is it the “FOURTH” mountain? And how is the essay “ascending” when the majority of the essay felt like the writer had already gone through the height of the Marcos era, and was only descending, trying to make peace with what had happened?

• The characters like “Roads Interrupted” and “A Guerrilla Zone in Rizal” were distractive. The all-capitalized beginning of paragraphs somehow helped in helping the readers trace where they are in the essay, but it does not serve any narrative purpose. They were just markers.

Details:

● It presents events with straightforward statements, lacking sensory details and vivid imagery. This absence of sensory engagement fails to immerse the reader in the scene or evoke deeper emotions, resulting in a flat and unengaging portrayal of events.

● Forthe characters, they are not fleshed out through descriptive details or actions that reveal their personalities, motivations, or inner thoughts. As a result, they come across as one-dimensional and lacking depth, making it difficult for the reader to connect with them on a meaningful level.

● Thecharacters felt like caricatures, making them unrecognizable from other characters. (Except for Paul, because he is funnily memorable for his motion sickness (or dagaton)).

● Theessaywas bombarded with details that the readers would become exhausted from trying to remember the information and figuring out how it helps the narrative.

Narrative Drive:

● Itpresents a series of disconnected events and reflections without a unifying theme or purpose. It jumps from discussing Paul's discomfort with traveling to Susan's letters to the narrator's reflections on personal experiences, without establishing a clear narrative thread or direction.

● Thereis no sense of momentum or progression in the narrative. Each paragraph introduces new information or reflections, but there is little cohesion or development from one point to the next. As a result, the narrative feels disjointed and lacks a sense of urgency or direction.

Based on the points raised above, please provide clear and specific points for revision that you would like the author to undertake, stating briefly the reasons why you are recommending these changes.

Scene

● Ensure that each scene serves a clear purpose and contributes to the overall arc. For example, consider how each letter exchange of reminiscence advances the plot or develops the characters

Narration:

● Showdon’t tell by showing the characters’ relationship, dynamics, and emotions through subtext, body language, or their actions.

● Makethenarration more engaging. Even though the subject matter is serious, you can attempt to make your narration more interesting by avoiding being boring or emotionless. You might be able to share some interesting stories.

Images:

● Maybeusedescriptive language that engages the senses and paints vivid mental images to the readers as it can create a more immersive reading experience.

● Perhaps employ figurative language like similes or metaphors to add depth and complexity to descriptions.

Mise en Scene

● Addmoredetailed descriptions of the physical environment in which the characters interact.

● Don’t just say the place, describe it.

Dialogue:

● Ensure that it has heteroglossia or each character has a distinct voice and personality reflected in their dialogue as this helps to distinguish between characters Pauses

● Thenarrative needs to breathe from its very heavy subject and fast-paced retelling; let it breathe.

Titles:

● Becomemorereflexive in discussing the moments of the essay so that the theme would become more apparent and would make better sense in the title.

Details;

● Be carefully selective of what details should remain in the essay. The current essay contains an overwhelming amount of information that does not necessarily move the narrative forward. If anything, it makes the essay more confusing and convoluted.

● Useyourdetails intentionally so that they may clarify and evoke a human dimension more than the abstract ideas that are currently weighing the essay down.

Narrative Drive:

• Avoid trying to vomit historical information and news; have the narrative more focused on the personal and immediate engagements of the writer instead.

• Try to recalibrate the sequence of events and maximize scenes to dramatize the substantial moments of the essay.